2005. I'm 17. A heartbreaking move back to Australia has just rattled me in ways that I didn't know existed. Being uncomfortable in my own homeland is a strange, strange feeling. I have an opportunity to complete year 12 in three months. I do. The rigor of school in the US has prepared me well for the challenge. I apply to uni on special admissions (that is, only having half a TCE score). I get in. I'm still 17.
2006. I do arts for one year. History. Sociology. Philosophy. History and Sociology are interesting. I don't like Philosophy because I don't like arguing. I transfer to Education. (I was going to do this anyway). I'm 18.
2007. I do two years of Education courses in one year. It's exhausting, and hard, and brings all kinds of challenges like 'I have learned this in second year courses but it's really hard to communicate this understanding to my first year peers'. I'm 19.
2008. I'm in my third year of Education. The study areas start pointing in more specific directions. I have classes I love. I have classes I hate. This happens to everyone, I think. The second semester is a long haul, riddled with assignments, both useful, and useless. I apply for a scholarship that would send me teaching in Western Australia for four years. I didn't get it. I know why. THIS HAPPENED FOR A REASON. I'm so, so glad. I'm 20.
2009. Fourth year. This came too quickly. Somehow I became one of the people I envied for three years. This year is hard too. I go to Canberra. I teach 55 lively and hilarious 10 and 11 year olds in the school I spent the majority of my primary school career. It was one of the most memorable experiences of my life (for reasons good and bad). It is amongst the few 'full circle' moments I have had in my lifetime. I'm 21.
When did this all happen? I'm serious. In conversation today, I was talking about the year 2001. It doesn't feel like so long ago. (I was 12 and 13 in 2001). But 2001, and 2010? They seem (and are) particularly far apart. Those with more age and experience and time and knowledge and life than me have said that it goes faster and faster. I'm beginning to believe that.
I really don't want to be one of those grumpy kids who uses a blog to whine about their parents (I'll get to that part, though). That's not what this is. And while I do not have the same right to complain about tiredness that say, a 55 year old labourer does, I still have this inkling towards needing a break. Scratch that. It's not an inkling.
There are people (lots of which I know) who take a 'gap year' when they finish year 12. Before going to uni, they work, and then go overseas with backpacks on their backs, drink all over Europe, and then make their way home, penniless and ready for uni. Or, they go overseas, backpacks on their backs, drink all over Europe, and come home, depressed because the reality they've returned to is nothing like what they've just experienced. Or, they work, and they work, and they work, and they realize that they love the money, and they do that forever, and ever and ever.
I didn't do that. I didn't do any of those things. I was, for all intents and purposes, a child when I started university. I worked very hard for four years. And, so it turns out that the general direction which follows the particular degree I have is not really a direction that I want. I admire (most) school teachers. In fact, I loved each and every one of my pracs. I don't discredit the work of teachers in any way, shape, or form. I really like teaching, and I really like (most) teachers. This has nothing to do with me feeling above being a teacher, or me not being bothered to get on with work. It doesn't have anything to do with rebellion, or fear (well, in a way, but not in a 'scared to enter the work place and be on my own' way).
I did the responsible thing. I went to uni. I did well. I actually landed a pretty cool job right out of uni (AT (well, kind of) the uni, teaching the same material that I learned while I was there. But, this doesn't quite fit the cookie cutter classroom teacher expectation that most people expect of someone with an Education degree. That's a huge part of the reason I like it so much. I got a job that no one else has. Lots of people got classroom teaching jobs (and I'm so happy for them, really). This feels different. This feels right. And it'll change, and be something else, and I might not be given the opportunity to do it long term. But, it's what I needed to tell me that there's something there. One day, I'll understand more about that. But, that day is not here yet, because there are things I need to know before I pursue anything.
I want to study more. I want to have credentials past the ones I have. I want to teach teachers. I feel like my time in my prac classrooms was valuable in teaching me that I have to do something bigger than have 25 children for a year (which is HUGE). I want to be something to a group of people who each have 25 children in their charge. That's where my difference will be. One day. And, that day cannot be now.
The world is too big for me to stay in Tassie and get a job and a good car and a mortgage and a family and traditions and a life before I've seen everything I want to see. That's the bottom line. Maybe it's idealistic. Maybe I'm being foolish in the eyes of those (read: my parents) who think that 'a house is the best investment you'll ever make'. Financially? Maybe. But other than my current desperation for quick cash so I can get on the first plane out of town, I couldn't really care less about money in the long term. I know that sounds stupid. I know. I know. I know. I have no serious ties. Guess what? I'm still 21.
As hilarious/cool/awesome as it would be, I don't want to be on my way to being Doctor Alison Cosker by the time I'm 25. That kind of seriousness is for 30 year olds. 40 year olds. 50 year olds. The kind of seriousness I'm interested in is 'I need to be at the airport by 615 to make my flight to New Jersey (Hi, Jersey Boy ;) ), so, get me there as fast as you can, Mr. Cab Driver. There's ten extra dollars in it for you.'
It's not that there are a lack of opportunities in Tasmania. There are. Well, and there aren't. I have other things that I'm sincerely and completely passionate about.
Kina Grannis releases her first full length album on the 23rd of next month. I can say with full confidence that it is going to be beyond incredible. I'm passionate about sharing that experience with her and her family, and the Street Team. We're all buzzing with excitement. (Feel free to check out her beautiful new website! I've also just been appointed as the Regional Coordinator of Australia and NZ for her Street Team, so feel free to ask me anything Kina-related :D). That's exciting. It's so exciting. My
best day ever was with those people. I'm very excited for it to be happening again. If I had a classroom job this year, I wouldn't be there. And in ten, or fifteen, or thirty years, I would regret that I never went and shared it with them. The feeling of wondering about these things makes me anxious and frightened and upset. The feeling of wondering whether or not I'll have a job to come home to, or whether I'll find a house to live in, or when I'll study, what I'll study... These things don't make me anxious or frightened or upset. They're for later. They're not now. The things I want; life, travel, friends, lovely people, time, experiences; they're things I can't get if I get stuck.
My parents, the ones who are probably primarily at 'fault' for putting the travel bug in me, are surprisingly enough, the ones who don't see it as a priority. Don't get me wrong. I have every intention of working very, very hard. I'll eventually buy a house, and have a job, and hopefully children and a husband. It's not about that. If I don't do this now, when will I?
So: I'm going to go. I'm going to go to the USA. I'm going to go to Europe and the UK. Maybe not all at once. Maybe all at once. I have no idea. I know that I'm not wrong about this. And, I'm not going to feel guilty about holding on to the things I want. What am I scared of? I'm scared of being here in ten years from now, and having ten more years of whatever kind of life that would have allowed under my belt. That's what I'm scared of. It's no judgement to the people who have knuckled down and done their best. It's no judgement to the people who are starting their serious grown up lives. But, shoot me dead if I've left a whole world's worth of experiences just waiting, for the sake of a house, or a job. A house is a thing. A job, although more abstractly, is a thing too. If I'm going to have a life, that is, a WHOLE life to settle down with, I need to go and figure some stuff out. So, I'm going to.
This may seem lame, but it's sort of important in the scheme of my rant. So, big, straight up thank yous to these people:
My parents (even though they think a mortgage would be a better idea) (sorry, it's just not. I love you, but, no.)
Kina (whose music and personality inspire me in one way or another every.single.day.)
Sherina (for general 'thereness' and being lovely all the time.)
Joseph (who is precisely on-the-ball with something humorous to say, every single time, is kind, makes me laugh too much, and promises a unique tour of NYC.)
Kinerds and Granni. I don't have to say anything really, because we all know exactly what it means. It's so huge and exciting.
A particularly big thank you to my delightfully kind
boss, Lisa, who has been overwhelmingly understanding and encouraging.
Also, Sharon, who gave me a job which has afforded me this expedition, and for setting me on a distant (that is, when I'm old and returned from being a hooligan) but very interesting career path.
And,
Anna and Devin, who were (and are) unfailingly kind throughout the three years we've known each other. I love knowing you. :)
I'd also really like to thank the academy...
Okay. I'll stop. It's done. I'll leave you with this lyric from Kina's song '
Blindly' from her oldest album 'Sincerely, me'.
Find my feelings, save them from the part of me
That confuses everything, when I knew all along
That
my heart was never wrong.
I've been wrong lots of times about lots of things. I'm not wrong about this. Wish me luck. :)
