Little surveys and '25 things' float around. I've done them before. In fact, the reason I've only posted excerpts from my old blog and not just given the whole thing to you, is that the blog is overflowing with old surveys. I think that there was a period in my life where I wanted to feel in control of
something. That awkward age of 16 and 17 where you feel like an adult but aren't; where you have opinions and understandings but don't have the experience to voice them.
And so, resorting to these little quizzes and surveys where I could answer all sorts of questions, mostly trivial and meaningless, I suppose, was some kind of way that I could express my answers, where I could be decisive. I moved from North Carolina back to Tasmania. So far, it could quite possibly be the most bittersweet thing that's ever happened to me. It's hard. It's emotional. I cried a lot. I left a lovely life behind. I didn't feel at home in my own country. That's hard. The quizzes and surveys I did; they kept me connected to the friends I left in the US. Somehow. Because I could answer questions about me, and I could answer questions about them, and I guess that meant I was still there, or I still knew something.
After looking back on them, there was so much I didn't know. And I'm certain that in another five years time, I will say the same of myself at this age. Figuring these things out, though: it's fun. The difference between 16 and 21? Heavens. I can't even say. I looked for validation more back then, I think. Although, I'm not sure that we stop looking for validation. I guess it's just a matter of what we need it for. Or perhaps more particularly, who we need it from.
I'm not looking for validation of teachers these days (well, at least not since October!). These days, in some ways, I
am a teacher. So, that's changed. I had some great teachers in high school. The teachers I did the best with were the ones who validated my learning; who validated me.
I'm not sure really that I'm looking for validation from my parents, either. In fact, I'm sort of disappointing them at the moment with a lack of drive to knuckle down and be a teacher. I have to know what's out there. I'm going to know. So, after having spent 4 years away from my parents, I've moved home. It's hard work! I know that everything we've done has been hard for them too. But they can't possibly know what it means to be shifted like I do. Sure, they've moved. But they're the shifters. It's about time I shifted myself. That's the difference between 16 and 21. I can go. But, no doubt, thanks mostly in part to my parents,
I want to go. And I will. Lots of parents bring their children up in such a way that gives their children the impression that home is the only place to be and the kids end up too scared to leave and they never do. Home may be the best place to be, and it might be the safest place to be. But safe isn't always the educator.
Does this mean I'll be bungee jumping in New Zealand next year? Goodness, no.
But I've got to jump somewhere to figure this whole thing out.
Legally, and emotionally, a 16 year old kid can't do that. So, while I read back on little surveys that I feel like I did yesterday, that whole thing (in some instances literally) is half a world away. I don't know too much more than I knew then, but I have the resources to figure it out.